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Saturday, February 18, 2017

Just Some Random Thoughts on Reaching Sixty-Three

I reached age 63 back in early December of 2016.  I don't really do birthdays.  Guess that is something which lingers from my childhood.  Never had any holidays.  Never had Christmas or Birthday anything at all.  Really, that is neither her nor there.  Holidays mean nothing at all to me.  Neither do birthday.  To me, holidays are just one day I don't have to work.   That is present enough.

But what got me to thinking in was which resulted in this post is a very dear friend of mine whom I went to school with at Mayo.  Her mother is on dialysis and lat time they discovered a blood clot in her leg which was not operable due to infection.  Her Mom had her leg amputated up to the hip.

Reminds me of both my wife and my aunt.  My aunt was a diabetic many years ago when the disease was much less understood.  I can't recall how old I was when she had to have her foot amputate and then passed away less than a month later.  But, I can still see in my mind those dark, scaled legs she walked on.  I have hopes for a better result for my friend's Mom.

It has gotten me to remember those older than me, the same age and even those younger than me who have died.

There is a photo on Face Book of a class in the old Richardson, Ky school.  Back in the days when there were still one room schools.It popped  up as history in my Face Book feed.  I sat looking at them to see how  many I recognized then started counting all of them who were dead.  Not the most uplifting exercise I suppose.

So many in my own age group, older and even younger are gone now.  Tends to make one wonder about the chances we are born into.  Those chances will influence our lives from beginning to end.  That along with peer pressure and many other factors.  Still, it occurs to me, every time you have a child you have just created a human being doomed to die.  From a child's first breath it is just a downhill roller coaster to the great darkness beyond.

Way too many at such a "young" age.  But, our family has some seriously bad genetics.   While I do love my children and grandchildren I can't help from feeling guilty in passing genes so prone to both physical and mental problems along to another generation or two.  Guess when we are young and still think we are immortal we just don't think about such things.

My psychiatrist always asks me if I have feelings of wanting to hurt myself or others.  I always laugh at her and tell her if I intend to kill myself it will be in the least painful manner possible.  I can't see why anyone would want to hurt themselves.  After all, the great source of suicidal thoughts is pain.  Mental, emotional or physical people who don't have a great degree of pain don't want to exit this world before they have to.

Suicide is such a permanent solution to problems which are more then likely temporary.  However, I can see when things are permanent with no possibility of getting better how one would do anything to stop the pain.  Cancer which cannot be helped leaving one in such pain their life is constant agony.  I can definitely see suicide for them as, not a tragedy (the disease was the tragedy) but a relief from hell on earth.

Oh well, so much for today's morbid thoughts.  Just so sad so many people who played so large a part in my life have passed on and I'm still here.  Roll of the dice or some purpose?  Interesting thing to think about.