Thursday, March 1, 2018

I Have No Idea What to Call This

Nothing jumps out at me.  I've tried to write out memories of my brother but I am finding no matter what I am thinking of it all leads back to him. 

I have said, and it is true, people are like the trees on either side of the road when you're driving on an interstate highway.  Always there but never noticed unless there was something different about them.  But that was only momentary as there were thousands of trees by the road ahead.

That is what people have been to me for a quarter of a century or more.  Just a passing, momentary consciousness followed by complete blankness.  Thousands, millions of trees as we pass through life. 

When I was younger I tried to please everyone else and was never pleased myself.  In my later years I tried to please myself but found myself unhappy.  I feel like I used to be a driver but now I'm just one tree along the road.  Quickly noticed, quickly forgotten.

My older brother passed away a little over a month ago.  All my grand parents, parents, aunts and uncles have long ago had dirt shoveled on their coffins.  Did not really bother me for a host of reasons.   Some are I never liked (not hated) most of my family.  There were only a few I cared about.  One cousin who, at this time, is still alive.  She has been special to me for over fifty years. 

Be that as it may, since my brother passed away I notice, not matter what I'm thinking, somehow it all comes back to him.

Him being gone is hard for me to deal with.  I'm just now barely able to write about it without crying to the point I can't go on.  I still cry but I want to say some things needed to be said.

And, right now, I still don't think I can say ('write') them.  I have such a hole in my life I cannot explain it to anyone else.That's it for tonight.  Can't keep thinking about him and writing.

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