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Monday, July 10, 2017

Odds and Ends on an (Almost) Rainy Day

I was writing a grocery list and thought about needing small note pads as I'm a "scribbler" and need something to scribble on working or playing.  All of a sudden I was "hit" with the smell and feel of opening that three-ring binder filled with new notebook paper on the first day of school.  Elementary school as we did not have Middle Schools and it assuredly was not the way I felt in High School.

I know aromas can trigger dormant memories but this was not an aroma.  It was just a random thought.  I suppose it is quite normal but that mental "smell" made me think of how badly I wasted my childhood.

My childhood was not what anyone would call ideal and my fondest dream was getting to be old enough to get away from my parents.  I expect that is pretty common among kids and, mostly they outgrow it.  I never did.  I never got away from them then and, I suspect, I have not completely gotten away from them now.  Their hands reach out to my mind, my memories, my sanity from beyond the grave.

It is wonderful how sights, sounds and smells can bring back vivid memories of the past.  Seems even idle thoughts can do the same.

Those kind of moments take one back to some distant place and time as though it were yesterday.  Plants "what if" seeds in ground which has lain fallow for many years.  I know there is no going back but I cannot help longing at times for what might have been.

But that is neither here not there as the past is only real in our memories and, sometimes, not even then.

But, this just brings me to the thoughts I am having today.  I go to a psychiatrist every 30 - 60 days.  One of the questions she always ask is if I have thoughts of "hurting" myself or others.  I always laugh at her and tell her, "If I were to kill myself you can be sure I'd do it in the least painful possible".  Sometimes I hate euphemisms.

While having no thoughts or plans to do away (another euphemism) with myself I find a growing indifference to whether I wake up the next morning when I go to sleep at night.  I told her a couple of visits ago that while I had no thoughts of suicide, should I go to bed knowing I would not wake up the next morning, I would still get a good night's sleep.  Well, as long as it lasted.

Kind of like Dr. Timothy Leary I am finding I'm curious about what lies ahead.  Is it "something" or is it "nothing"? Only one way I know to find out.

Although, it reminds me of an old song, "Everybody wants to go to Heaven but nobody wants to die".  Seems to me there are an awful lot of people who don't really believe in Heaven though they would never admit it.  If Heaven is a real place and completely wonderful, why does everyone cling to life like a drowning man clutching at straws?

On the other hand, if one ever expects humanity to make sense, one is in for a sure disappointment.  We humans are strange creatures.  If I were god I'd send another flood to cleanse the planet and would not provide any Noah.    But, that is just me.

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