Friday, April 20, 2012

Being Retarded

My mother always told me I was mentally retarded because it took them so long to get me to breathe after I was born.  It seems when I was born they beat my newborn butt off and I would not cry.  Then Gracie Ratliff walked into the room and I took one look at her and immediately started crying.  I doubt it happened exactly like this but probably in a similar manner. 

It was never hidden from me I was an accident.  I was not "meant to be".  My parents wanted two children and that was my brother (twelve years older) and my sister (ten years older) and that was supposed to be the end.  Life sometimes throws a few curve balls though.  They thought my mother was too old to have kids and took no precautions.  Voila, there came me.

So, for all my life I've known I was unplanned (unwanted?) as well as being retarded.  Kind of an interesting background for a childhood.  Not much of a foundation for a lot of self esteem.  Add to that my Dad's most likely reaction when I made a mistake of any kind was, "Can't you do anything right?!".   And I made a lot of mistakes like all kids do.  My successes were taken as "expected" and my failures were definitely pounded into my psyche as failures.  Makes a lot of self esteem and self confidence problematic.

Later in my life I projected an arrogant persona to mask all my insecurities.   I did have a lot to be arrogant about.  I was smart.  Being mentally retarded did not seem to have been too much of a problem as I have a "gifted" IQ and found school more boring than challenging.  I've often wondered what I could have achieved had I not been retarded.  Though, it was probably more lack of motivation that held me back than my diminished mental faculties.

Still, being retarded and unwanted does take it's toll.   Then add to all that I was not allowed to associate with any kids my own age.  My parents felt they would be a "bad influence" on me.  So I was forced to play with my mother's babysitting charge who was five years younger as he was the only one who was found acceptable.  Then my parents wondered why I was emotionally and mentally immature.  Looking back on it, it seems darned obvious to me.

I felt a desperate need for acceptance and to "fit in" and since the only kids (outside of school) I was allowed to be around were considerably younger.... well, you do the math.  Sometimes parents have no idea what damage they are doing to their children from the best of intentions.  

I'm fifty-eight years old now and I'm beginning to feel very retarded.  My memory is almost gone (except for  many years past); my understanding is diminished.  My motivation to do anything at all is almost non-existent.   But, I do wonder how much I could have achieved in this life were I not retarded and diminished every day by my parents.  Maybe more, maybe less.  That is one thing we cannot ever do is go back and change the past.  That kind of puts more importance on doing what is right today and not minimizing our children's thoughts and desires.    Channel subtly and do not diminish your children's thoughts just because they may not be your own.  Believe it or not your children can teach you and it is not always the other way around.

Still, I often wonder what  could have been were I not retarded.

1 comment:

  1. Who would my dad be without is intellectual snobbery, though? Personally, I am grateful for my grandparents screwing the birth control (quite literally). I'm proud of the dad I have.

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