Thursday, December 19, 2013

Ghosts of Christmas Past

It is less than a week until Christmas and not quite two weeks since my 60th birthday.  Seems like as good a time as any to reflect on those sixty Christmas'. 

I was born on December 8, 1953 so Christmas of 1953 was my first one.  Do not have a clue how it was spent as I don't remember it at all.  Nor Christmas of 1954 and probably not the one of '55 either.  That does not matter as I'm quite certain there was nothing memorable about any of them.  Holidays in my family being of no importance.

If you've read much of some of my previous reminiscences  you will already know my mother was a Jehovah's Witness and my dad was whatever he was.  So, no holidays or birthdays for us.  So, my holiday memories may be somewhat skewed from the  norm.  And, to this day, the only thing a holiday or a birthday means to me is whatever it may mean to my children and grand children.  I really do not care.  Caring about holidays and a lot of other things was eradicated from my being many, many years ago.

I'm thinking the first Christmas I have any memory at all of would have been 1956.  It is possible it was '55 and I guess it does not matter at all to anyone which it was.  I just remember we lived in the house at the foot of the hill between Martin and Lawrence counties on Route 40.  I am not sure of the dates but I believe we moved there in the spring or summer of  1955.   It could have been 1956 though.

At any rate, the only memory I have of that Christmas is my older brother telling me if I went to sleep Santa Claus might bring me something for Christmas.  AND THEN my mother sitting me down and explaining there was no such person as Santa Claus and I would definitely NOT have any presents for Christmas.  So much for waiting until late childhood for Christmas disillusionment.

After that Christmas and all other holidays becomes a blur of nothingness until at least 1961.  That is when we moved from Spring Knob tower to a house in West Van Lear so I could go to school.  I was in the second grade then having attended a one-room school on Nat's Creek where my grandparents still lived.

I guess I don't really recall any one Christmas in West Van Lear so much as just the general memories of how Christmas' went.   I was a social outcast since I was not allowed to associate with my "peers" outside of school, nor was I allowed to participate in many common school activities from saying the "Pledge of Allegiance"  of a morning to being in the Christmas play each class put on each year and many things in between.   Here lies the basis of my disdain for holidays as well as my tendency to be a complete hermit.  That is the "nurture" part of it but I'm sure there is a large, genetic, "nature" part of it as well.  I think most (if not all) VanHoose men are inclined to loners genetically.  Those who know more than one of us might be inclined to agree.

The only real specific Christmas memories I have was the Christmas of  1964.  I was in the fifth grade in Mrs. Mollette's class.  As usual, I was not allowed to participate in the class Christmas play and so I sat alone at my desk watching everyone practice.

I had no script or anything but I knew each part perfectly way before Christmas came.  And, it bugged me no end how everyone kept forgetting and screwing up their lines.  It seemed so simple to me.  I know every line for every part in the play.  How hard was it to just memorize ONE part?   I did not realize it then through a lot of lack of self-confidence and self-esteem but I'm sure that is about where I came to realize people are really quite stupid on the whole.

That was also the year I came up with the plan for avoiding the embarrassment of not being allowed to "draw names" for Christmas.  I wrote my name down as required and dropped it into the "hat" with the others.  BUT, I folded it in such a way as I could recognize it by feel.  Thus, I was able to detect and draw my own name.  There was so much mirth and jocularity (I love that expression) nobody noticed I did not have a present.  That method carried me though several Christmas'.

Then there was the inevitable January question of "What did you get for Christmas?".  It never occurred to me to just lie about it.  A lesson I have learned well since.  Becoming a great liar is very important to retaining one's sanity.  So, stupidly, I tried to explain why I had gotten nothing (zero, zilch, nada) for Christmas.  I knew the meaning of "effort of futility"  long before I ever learned the phrase.

The Christmas trend stayed the same during the rest of my schooling.  When I got married I got my wife a Christmas present more because it was an expectation rather than any desire on my part.  Add in she was very difficult to buy for and I really dreaded Christmas rather than anticipating it.

I've never particularly cared for receiving Christmas gifts.  It was a foreign concept for me and still is.   I still don't care about WHAT I get.  The only joy I have for receiving something for Christmas or my birthday is that someone thought enough of me to remember me.  The present means nothing.  It is a cliche' but for me it is truly the thought that counts.  It is the only thing that counts.  I'm just as happy with a pair of socks as I would be with a 60" 3D tv.   Christmas greed depresses me and I do not understand the pressure people feel to over extend themselves on a holiday that is to celebrate something that never happened.  At least, not anywhere that date.

It only reinforces the lesson I learned a long time ago.  People are stupid.

The only Christmas' I really enjoyed were those spent with my children.  There is nothing like the joy of a child.  And, I did find some pleasure in finding out what they wanted and finding it for them, especially when it was something hard to find.  (Thank you early internet!).  They are older now and I'm much more lazy so I just send checks and let them decide what they need and what their kids need.  But I still enjoy seeing the kids (now grandkids) open their gifts.  I hope so much for my children and grand children and on down the line to have much better memories of holidays and birthday than the ones I have.  Then don't we all wish for our children to have it better than we did?

Still, all in all, I find holidays (especially Christmas) and birthdays to be somewhat depressing.  Mostly I prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dreary as those may be.  I've always been alone in one way or another so being physically alone is somewhat comforting.  Then, again, I'm a VanHoose male and a natural hermit. 

1 comment:

  1. I know that one too. No Xmas or B-days. When my kids were young, the night before Xmas, I would tell them that Santa Claus's real name was Joe Bob and that he got arrested for driving his sleigh drunk and that he may not come (I always said it with a smile though).

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