Friday, December 20, 2013

Reflections of the Future

I wrote a long post this morning at work but they have this site blocked so I could not post it.  Perhaps that is for the best.  I tend to find most of my disappointments are for the best when looked back upon.    Today, though, has been a trial.  Things I can and things I cannot talk about have come together in a symbioses which does not lead me to sunlight.  I won't go into details as those are nobody's business but my own.;  I will only deal with the results and not the causes.

Today was a very long day for me.  I was at work but I could not work.  I just monitored the clock counting down the minutes until I could safely leave.  Too many days like that have become the norm for me.  I used to love work and find comfort and solace there when home was some place I did not care to be.  That is not the case any more it seems as work is also a place I do not want to be.  If fact, there is no place I want to be that is within my power to have.  Just the way it is.

 I have spent the day in contemplation of life and death and the desirability of each.  I find that when I was young the seesaw of percentages favored life by an extreme margin.  As I've grown older the ratio has changed.  I won't say it has tilted in favor of death but I won't say living holds much attraction for me.

I suppose that could be because genetically I am insane.  The only thing keeping me going is drugs and I don't always take them as  there seems little point.  Its a thing called depression.  You can read all there is to know about it.  But, unless you've been there, you still know nothing at all.    It is a time in your life when the desire for life or death resides on a razor's edge and can fall either way at any time.

I've always thought suicide was not a solution as most problems in life are temporary and suicide is permanent.   Permanent solutions to temporary problems seems somewhat extreme.  Some days I'm much less inclined to that point of view.  But, I think that is more genetic than something I really feel.  My genes are not the best and in a orgy of non-responsibility I have passed them on to children of my own who never asked for this shit.  Yet they have it.  I love my children.  I love my grand children.  Yet, had I to do it over I'd have gotten a vasectomy at age eighteen.  No one has the right to inflict this kind of  punishment on an unborn child.  It is as virulent as aids but it does not kill your body it just kills your soul.  I'll leave it up to you to decide what is worse.

I suppose "holiday blues" contributes to it in some form or fashion.  I know how meaningless these times are.  They do not honor Christ who could not have been born anywhere near December 25th.  They only honor, greed, ingratitude, and the smug feeling of self satisfaction if you actually lower yourself to help someone who has less than you.

I cannot condemn too heartily as my family would always come first yet there are so many "good Christians" who  view themselves in such a self-righteous light just because the donated a few bucks to the United way.  They sit at their table and stuff themselves on all the good things while their professed brothers and sisters wander the streets looking for a place to keep warm.

In many ways I'm no better as I do the same thing with the exception that I realize the hypocrisy of the whole situation.  We are all pretty much the same.;  We look at TV and go "tsk, tsk" when we see so much hate, need and want in this world.  Then we celebrate the purely pagan holiday of Christmas with it's focus on greed and self-indulgence and pat ourselves on the back for being saved.

I have a question for you?  Are you really saved?  Supposing your beliefs are true and there is a heaven for the "saved" and a hell for everyone else, Just what makes you think you're going to heaven?  You want to find a hornet's nest of racism and hypocrisy just go to any church.  They are all the same.  Full of self-righteous hypocrites who do good not from the goodness of their hearts or because it is what Jesus taught but because of the charitable deduction on their income tax.  And so they can brag to their rich friends at some country club how good they are to those who have less.

How about Luke 3:11?  He answereth and saith unto them, He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise.  Just how many "good christians" have ten coats and twenty pairs of shoes and turn their heads to drive by the homeless man with the sign "will work for food"?  At least I now I'm not a good person and a "good Christian" and I don't profess to be.  If there is a heaven I have a feeling it is going to be a mighty lonely place.






   
I suppose it is because heaven is made for the greedy.  Streets of gold, mansions, (hey, who are the servants to take care of those mansions?)  It is all designed to appeal to the greed in humanity.  And, boy, are we humans greedy!  And stupid.  Why don't you realize that something that tells you to be subservient to those placed over you and you'll receive your reward AFTER YOU DIE is a con.  Good lord (yes, I realize the incongruity) I can promise you anything after you dies and what are you going to do when I don't deliver?  Yeah, just as I thought.  Nothing.  You're dead.

Religion, today, is just a tool for those in power to keep those not in power in control.  How sweet it must be to promote a system that tells you to obey your masters and expect to be rewarded after you die?  Then we have those multi-millions great fools willing to kill and die for that.  Makes me wonder if god did not make a mistake in giving Noah blueprints for the Arc.  

Well, I'm depressed.  I can't blame it completely on the season and the stupidity of "man".  I can't even blame it on my defective genes.  I can't blame it on growing older.  Maybe it is a sum of all those and other things I don't recognize or admit to.  

Today has not been a good day.  But, it has been an average day.  I don't expect good days any longer and I try to embrace them when they come and not get too far gone when the opposite days present themselves.   Today is a day for shaking my head and laughing (without humor) at the humans of this world and what they consider important and then ignore completely because it is inconvenient.

Personally, today has been a day for remembering what might have been and should have been but never was.  In other words a day for deep depression.  It is almost midnight and my wife is in bed and asleep and I have no urge to join her there.  I have no desire for the dreams I know I will have nor the feelings I will have when I awaken and realize they are not real.  

I have long said, "life's a bitch then you die".  I think I have the first part down pat.  I'm ready for the second part any time.
 

1 comment:

  1. OMG! I could have written this myself - every bit of it - can definitely relate (DC - your nephew).

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