The Second Greatest Gift

I have said on other occasions the greatest gift a parent can bestow on a child is the love for the written (and spoken) word.  But, there is a second gift which is nearly as important and one, like reading, I had to discover on my own.

Before I disclose the nature of that gift I need to provide a little background.  If you have read my previous memories of childhood you will realize my relationship with my parents was not the most wonderful thing.  But, that relationship (such as it was) did help shape me into the person I have become today.   Both the good (if any) and bad parts I owe to my parents and my struggles to survive the damage done to my psyche by that relationship.

My parents were perfectionists where I was concerned.  I was NEVER praised for any success I might have but was vilified for any failure no matter how small.   I don't recall when I actually developed any self-esteem but I'm quite sure it was not until my late forties.  From my earliest childhood on, any time I would start feeling good about myself something would happen to utterly crush it.  I often wondered, "Why is it I'm always such a failure?".  Is it any wonder Charlie Brown is my favorite?  Even Charlie Brown had more self-esteem than I.

I always made good grades in school.  That was expected.  Not once did either of my parents say anything like, "good job".  "A's" were expected.  "B's" might be tolerated.  Heaven help me if I brought home anything else.

My father's favorite phrase should I do something less than perfectly was, "Can't you EVER do anything right?".   Being a "mentally retarded accident" did not help.  If my parents did anything successfully it was to make me feel inferior to every person on earth.   

I don't think they did it out of malice as that is just the way they were.  I could not have survived my dad's childhood.  It was rough.  My mother?  It probably was  not good either.   I inherited a lot of my laziness from my maternal grandfather.  I was told he would sit in the shade of a tree and read Jehovah's Witness literature while the wife and daughters worked in the garden.    But, laziness is not necessarily a bad trait.  I've always said, "If you want something done right the first time get a lazy man to do it.  He does not want to do it the first time but he damn sure does not want to do it over".

So, ok, what is the second great gift?  My parents did not give it to me.  I did not even discover it for myself late in life and it might not even be possible to give it to someone.  Maybe we all have to figure this out on our own.  But a parent can offer encouragement and support instead of constantly trying to tear down any pride, ego, self-esteem a child has.

The second greatest gift?  Self-reliance.  The realization that as a "whole" person we do not need anyone else.  We can be complete withing ourselves.   I suppose there is a certain amount of arrogance that has to go in this and a little, well earned, arrogance is not a bad thing.

But a complete person does not give in to "peer pressure" to do things that are bad for oneself.  A complete person realizes no one who is a real friend will ever try to get you to do something that would be bad for you.  A complete person realizes he/she will probably not ever be entirely understood and is ok with that.  A complete person has only one person who's standards they need to live by.  Their own. 

I love my wife, my children, my grand children but I no longer NEED anyone else.  I can recognize my own value, my own worth and the opinions of others matters naught.  As we said when I was much younger, "Eff'em if they can't take a joke". 

The second greatest give may be one you cannot give and one that must be arrived at on one's own but you, as a parent, can help by not tearing down everything your child builds.    Think before you act.  Think before you say something out of anger or frustration.  Realize that no matter what the one person a child really wants the approval of is their parents.  Praise good results and criticize bad results with the understanding that sometimes, "shit happens".    No matter how much effort you put into it, "shit happens".  

A final note.  Neither of my parents ever told me they loved  me.  I supposed I was just supposed to know this and accept it without having been told.  Tell your kids often that you love them and mean it when you say it.  They truly are the most precious things you will ever have in your life.